My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
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The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Okay