*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
You Might Also Like
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Mornin
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.