It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
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Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
How animals would run if they were human
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.