Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.