Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
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[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now