Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Bros before Ohioes
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]