Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.![]()
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“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.