Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
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*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I wish I were this cool 😂
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing