It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
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the only organized thing in my life is crime
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Note to self: always read the final line
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.