How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it