Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
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Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.