I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
God has abandoned us.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*