Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Shoo shoo! 😂
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?