Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
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If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Flowers bee like
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Milk Cube
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.