People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.