Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If a snake ate a cake
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
For anyone who needs this today
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”