Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.