Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”