A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
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Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
#catsoftwitter