It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
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Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.