Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps: