What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*