Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Natural selection at its finest
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Oh we’ve met.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.