My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
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Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I mean…but I did
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
those birds must be on payroll
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly