Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My daily affirmation
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
So true for me
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah