But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
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I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?