Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
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do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
The “baby” on the left….
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.