If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.