@xLiserx

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

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@MarkTConard

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

@IamJackBoot

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

@DannyZuker

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

@SavageDabs69

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@SoulYodeler

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

@truegritrumble

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

@LostFelicia

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

@PettyRuxpin83

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

@OrdinaryAlso

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*