*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.


Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.


Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.


When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?


Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.


ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.


My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.


Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what


It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story


carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*