*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
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well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
broke down and did it
Just this preview of the story is enough
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…