My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
the official breakfast of 2021
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Remember folks 😂
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.