[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Sorry. Not sorry
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”