*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
![]()
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
![]()
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
#MeanwhileInCanada
![]()
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
![]()
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.