Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

TEETH IS INNOCENT

The Compass

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.