*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary