Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Oh, I bet you would be
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.