ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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the last thing a carrot sees
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.