She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Name another movie that mislead you?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.