My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
…..pretty much.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
That’s fair
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
This why you should mind your business
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
how to have fun when you’re poor
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.