Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me if I was a dog
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.