Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
live, laugh, laundry.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
When your parents check you’re ok.