good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
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me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
They did not miss in the small print
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
what does he know…
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”