How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life