You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?