them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
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I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
When you’ve simply given up.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”