My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
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Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.