[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
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gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
New tinder profile pic
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics