Feel. He’s so soft.
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My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent