last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy