GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.