Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself