The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
only 11 steps left
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture