Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.