Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
uncle dave has been through hell
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
2022 be like
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me