Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
You Might Also Like
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
why am I working on Labor Day
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.