I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
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I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]